HotPhlash

(Continued from Scene 6  Episode 1 or start at the beginning)

INT. BANANA HAMMOCK DRESSING ROOM – NIGHT

That evening before the club opens, HotPhlash and Ignatius enter the backstage dressing room. A GROUP OF MALE STRIPPERS, just coming into work, parade in past them.

IGNATIUS:
Guys, this is the band HotPhlash I told you about. They are hot and ready…moody and sweaty.

STRAIGHT MALE STRIPPER #1:
(sarcastically)
Moody, ready, hot and sweaty? You’ll fit right in.

Gay male Stripper #1:
Oh, hi girls. Love the hair! (under his breath and rolling his eyes) Soooo 80′s, so Twisted Sister….

ERECKTEUS, a male stripper and a CHINESE, TRANSVESTITE MALE STRIPPER walks by.

GAY MALE STRIPPER #2:
Mmmmm…Oh here comes Ereckteus, the God of Morning Wood.

BERTHA:
Mmmmm, knock on wood.

CHINESE TRANSVESTITE MALE STRIPPER:
Chow!

A CHOW DOG jumps up into the Chinese transvestite stripper’s arms.

INT. BANANA HAMMOCK SHOW ROOM – LATER THAT EVENING

The place is packed with MIDDLE AGED WOMAN and a FEW GAY MEN. On stage are STRIPPERS DRESSED AS PRIESTS. WOMEN from the audience line up, kneel and take communion.

INT. BANANA HAMMOCK DRESSING ROOM – EVEN MORE LATERER THAT EVENING

The band and the strippers are getting ready for their shows. Bertha stands up. ANDY CONDA, a male stripper dressed as the Pope in a thong, runs into her, knocking her to the floor.

BERTHA:
Watch where you’re going, you idiot!

ANDY CONDA:
(leaning over to help her up)
Lord, I’m Sorry. Please forgive me!

Bertha, at five foot tall, stands up and is breast-high to the six foot nine inch man.

BERTHA:
Forgive you? To hell with you! Now I have to go change my diaper again!

Bertha storms off and Andy sheepishly follows.

ANDY CONDA:
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me!

BERTHA:
Will you shut up and quit following me! You King-Kong, thong wearing, brainless, bad excuse for a Pope-stripper, I’ve ever seen. If your brain was as big as your feet you’d know not to talk to me.

Bertha and Andy disappear into the back of the dressing room. Shithead winks at and snaps the thong of a passing STRIPPER. Ereckteus walks up to Zelda putting his hand on her shoulder.

ERECKTEUS:
Are you girls almost ready to rock this banana farm? You’re on soon. Oh yum. What are you eating?

ZELDA:
It’s my cactus, sprout and Taiwanese nut wrap. It’s part of my cleansing to align my chakras.

ERECKTEUS:
Wow, I love cactus. I use cayenne pepper and honey for my cleansing. You kind of just made my bean sprout. Maybe later you can align my chakras.

ZELDA:
(clueless)
Oooh, I love bean sprouts especially with cumin all over them. Wow, love your thong.

ERECKTEUS:
Thanks! It’s edible hemp.

ZELDA:
Maybe later we could chop it up and put it in my special brownie mix.

Bertha storms back into the dressing room, fanning herself with Andy Conda’s Pope Hat.

BERTHA:
I am burning up in here! Can someone turn up the air conditioning! I’m having a major hot flash!

STRAIGHT MALE STRIPPER #2 pacing back and forth, rubbing his hands and arms.

STRAIGHT MALE Stripper #2:
It’s already as cold as a meat locker in here!

GAY MALE STRIPPER #3 is wearing a blanket and shivering.

GAY MALE STRIPPER #3:
Tell me! Not so good for the inventory. Major shrinkage.

Shithead rubs an ice cube on her neck.

SHITHEAD:
Oh, I don’t know. The meat hanging in this locker is pretty darn hot.

ZELDA:
But, I heard it is important to keep your meat frozen if you’re not going to eat it right away.

Carolyn begins to cry and unbuttons her sweat-soaked shirt.

STRAIGHT MALE STRIPPER #1:
Nothing like sharing a dressing room full of menopausal women.

Ignatius comes running into the dressing area.

IGNATIUS:
Ok, girls! You are on in two.

©  2010 Dorothy Caldwell and Paula Montondo

Tags: baby boomer, Bertha, comedy, dominatrix, dorothy caldwell, hilarious, hot flashes, HotPhlash, low sex drive, male stripper, menopause, mermaid, middle age, mood, music, night sweats, osbourne, ozzy, paula montondo, punk, rock, script, sexy, shithead, sitcom, stripper, swings, tinybabbles, vegetarian, women, wordpress, Zelda

(Continued from Scene 5  Episode 1 or start at the beginning)

INT. ZELDA’S KITCHEN – BACK TO PRESENT

Now Zelda is standing in the pan of ice water with just her bra and panties on, spatula still in her hair, and Bertha is at the table with a fan in front of her and is patting her underarms with the dirty wet dish sponge.

Carolyn walks into the kitchen with a snotty attitude and throws her candy cigarette on the floor stomping it out with her foot. We hear it crunch.

CAROLYN:
Well, you guys would be nowhere right now if it weren’t for me. I was the one who got us the gig at the six year old’s birthday party, and it was my shock therapy doctor at Leus Scroughs Hospital that was impressed with my talents at our rehearsal there last week, and needed a band for her son’s party.

INT. LEUS SCROUGHS MENTAL HOSPITAL – FLASHBACK

HotPhlash is set up in a large room. Zelda, Bertha and Shithead are at their instruments tuning up while SEVERAL MENTAL PATIENTS dance to the tuning in front of the band. Carolyn comes shuffling into the room in a hospital gown, heads to her keyboards carrying her urine sample like a drink (pinky held out)and smoking a candy cigarette. She starts to sip. A FEMALE LEUS SCROUGHS DOCTOR runs up and stops her.

FEMALE LEUS SCROUGHS DOCTOR:
Now, Carolyn, you need to stop drinking your urine samples.

CAROLYN:
I was wondering why my Lemon Martini was so warm. Is happy hour over?

EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD – FLASHBACK CONTINUED

HotPhlash is playing their loud punk music at a six year old’s birthday party. Ignatius, the birthday clown, is dancing in front of the band as horrified PARENTS drag their KIDS away. The female Leus Scroughs doctor, who is the birthday boy’s mom, is holding her ears and trying to stop everyone from running away.

BERTHA:
(singing)
I ran out of milk
Ooooh I got got powdered eggs
My head is hot
My emotions are fried
No more kids
No more Toys R Us
When you’re left with a dried up Ut-er-us
The Sahara is wetter than me
I’m feeling so hot
I’m so dried out
I tripped over my tits
Slipped on the sweat from my pits
And I just (pause) forgot (pause) What I was (pause) singing about

The song ends. The drunk band members smash their instruments. Now the yard is empty except for the dancing clown and the birthday boy’s pissed off mom calling 911.

INT. ZELDA’S KITCHEN – BACK TO PRESENT

Bertha and Zelda are now sitting in front of the open refrigerator door fanning themselves with frozen pizzas and eating from the fridge. Shithead comes into the kitchen.

ZELDA:
I don’t remember much after that.

BERTHA:
Seriously, we are too old for all of this. We suck and the gigs suck!

Bertha starts crying again.

SHITHEAD:
Oh, come on you guys I think we’re great. This band is the best thing that has happened to me. I am a bigger person because of it.

ZELDA:
(innocently)
No, you’re right Shithead, you really have grown since you joined us. You are a much bigger person than all of us…put together.

Ignatius walks into the kitchen.

IGNATIUS:
Now, look girls, I’ve got the perfect gig for you. I’m the DJ at a male strip club called The Banana Hammock, and we are looking for a house band. I think HotPhlash would be perfect!

SHITHEAD:
The Banana Hammock? I go every Tuesday for their 3 for 1 Banana Split Martinis! I can suck’em down faster than they can serve’em.

ZELDA:
Bertha, The Banana Hammock sounds promising. Maybe we should give this another try.

Bertha is now standing with her face all the way in the freezer trying to cool off.

BERTHA:
Alright, whatever, but just one more try.

Zelda and Shithead clap excitedly and hug each other. Carolyn rolls her eyes.

IGNATIUS:
Great. Consider the banana in the hammock!

©  2010 Dorothy Caldwell and Paula Montondo

Tags: baby boomer, Bertha, comedy, dominatrix, dorothy caldwell, hilarious, hot flashes, HotPhlash, low sex drive, male stripper, menopause, mermaid, middle age, mood, music, night sweats, osbourne, ozzy, paula montondo, punk, rock, script, sexy, shithead, sitcom, stripper, swings, tinybabbles, vegetarian, women, wordpress, Zelda