INT. BANANA HAMMOCK DRESSING ROOM – NIGHT
That evening before the club opens, HotPhlash and Ignatius enter the backstage dressing room. A GROUP OF MALE STRIPPERS, just coming into work, parade in past them.
Guys, this is the band HotPhlash I told you about. They are hot and ready…moody and sweaty.
STRAIGHT MALE STRIPPER #1:
Moody, ready, hot and sweaty? You’ll fit right in.
Gay male Stripper #1:
Oh, hi girls. Love the hair! (under his breath and rolling his eyes) Soooo 80′s, so Twisted Sister….
ERECKTEUS, a male stripper and a CHINESE, TRANSVESTITE MALE STRIPPER walks by.
GAY MALE STRIPPER #2:
Mmmmm…Oh here comes Ereckteus, the God of Morning Wood.
Mmmmm, knock on wood.
CHINESE TRANSVESTITE MALE STRIPPER:
A CHOW DOG jumps up into the Chinese transvestite stripper’s arms.
INT. BANANA HAMMOCK SHOW ROOM – LATER THAT EVENING
The place is packed with MIDDLE AGED WOMAN and a FEW GAY MEN. On stage are STRIPPERS DRESSED AS PRIESTS. WOMEN from the audience line up, kneel and take communion.
INT. BANANA HAMMOCK DRESSING ROOM – EVEN MORE LATERER THAT EVENING
The band and the strippers are getting ready for their shows. Bertha stands up. ANDY CONDA, a male stripper dressed as the Pope in a thong, runs into her, knocking her to the floor.
Watch where you’re going, you idiot!
(leaning over to help her up)
Lord, I’m Sorry. Please forgive me!
Bertha, at five foot tall, stands up and is breast-high to the six foot nine inch man.
Forgive you? To hell with you! Now I have to go change my diaper again!
Bertha storms off and Andy sheepishly follows.
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me!
Will you shut up and quit following me! You King-Kong, thong wearing, brainless, bad excuse for a Pope-stripper, I’ve ever seen. If your brain was as big as your feet you’d know not to talk to me.
Bertha and Andy disappear into the back of the dressing room. Shithead winks at and snaps the thong of a passing STRIPPER. Ereckteus walks up to Zelda putting his hand on her shoulder.
Are you girls almost ready to rock this banana farm? You’re on soon. Oh yum. What are you eating?
It’s my cactus, sprout and Taiwanese nut wrap. It’s part of my cleansing to align my chakras.
Wow, I love cactus. I use cayenne pepper and honey for my cleansing. You kind of just made my bean sprout. Maybe later you can align my chakras.
Oooh, I love bean sprouts especially with cumin all over them. Wow, love your thong.
Thanks! It’s edible hemp.
Maybe later we could chop it up and put it in my special brownie mix.
Bertha storms back into the dressing room, fanning herself with Andy Conda’s Pope Hat.
I am burning up in here! Can someone turn up the air conditioning! I’m having a major hot flash!
STRAIGHT MALE STRIPPER #2 pacing back and forth, rubbing his hands and arms.
STRAIGHT MALE Stripper #2:
It’s already as cold as a meat locker in here!
GAY MALE STRIPPER #3 is wearing a blanket and shivering.
GAY MALE STRIPPER #3:
Tell me! Not so good for the inventory. Major shrinkage.
Shithead rubs an ice cube on her neck.
Oh, I don’t know. The meat hanging in this locker is pretty darn hot.
But, I heard it is important to keep your meat frozen if you’re not going to eat it right away.
Carolyn begins to cry and unbuttons her sweat-soaked shirt.
STRAIGHT MALE STRIPPER #1:
Nothing like sharing a dressing room full of menopausal women.
Ignatius comes running into the dressing area.
Ok, girls! You are on in two.