SCENE 4 Episode 1 – Finger Lickin’ Bad

10 Oct

(Continued from Scene 3 Episode 1 or start at the beginning)

INT. ZELDA’S KITCHEN – BACK TO PRESENT

Bertha is now fanning herself with a Tupperware lid and has taken her shirt off leaving just her bra on. Zelda is using the wet dish sponge to wipe her chest and is sweating.

BERTHA:
Yeah, but the gig Shithead booked for us didn’t pan out so good.

INT. DINER – FLASHBACK

The Band is sitting in a booth at a diner. Shithead pulls her reading glasses and a piece of paper out of her purse, squints at her notes.

SHITHEAD:
Oh! I booked a gig for us too. It is at the K.O.K….or is it the KFC? Anywho, something like that but they seemed like such nice folks on the phone. So, we’re playing their annual benefit at their lodge.

INT. PRIVATE LODGE – FLASHBACK CONTINUED

Shithead swings open the front door to see a KKK meeting. As soon as the CLAN sees the black, six foot, 300lb Shithead, the room goes silent. Shithead looks surprised, then get’s ghetto and momentarily loses her Minnesota accent.

SHITHEAD:
Aw, hell no!

Bertha, Zelda and Carolyn walk up behind Shithead.

ZELDA:
(clueless)

Oh, look how cute, their outfits all match. It’s a costume party! Ooh, Halloween ghosts! (taps Shithead’s shoulder) A room full of spooks!

BERTHA:
(stunned)
Holy Lawn Jockeys Batman!

CAROLYN:
(curious, looking into the KKK crowd)
Dad?

EXT. PARKING LOT OF PRIVATE LODGE – FLASHBACK CONTINUED

Running from the lodge, the band quickly drags Shithead into the van, they jump in and they peel out of the parking lot.

©  2010 Dorothy Caldwell and Paula Montondo

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SCENE 3 Episode 1 – Wasted Grannies, Wasted Youth

3 Oct

(Continued from Scene 2 Episode 1or start at the beginning)

INT. SHLEEPITOV NURSING HOME – DAY – FLASHBACK

Flashback/Fantasy sequence in slow motion: Cheesy 80′s power ballad plays. The band bursts through the front doors of the nursing home with their hair blowing as they walk through the bellows of smoke and an ELDERLY AWE-STRUCK CROWD.

They pass a room where PATIENTS are doing geriatric sit-down exercises. All of them are holding beach balls, moving in sync with the 80′s power ballad. We see an aerial view of the patients as they make a kaleidoscope pattern like a Busby Berkeley musical. The NURSES pirouette into the pattern then make a domino effect as they each place a pill on the patient’s tongues. The aerial camera spins down to one of the PATIENT’s open mouth, down the patient’s throat to darkness, ending this scene.

INT. SHLEEPITOV NURSING HOME REC ROOM – FLASHBACK CONTINUED

Flashback/Reality: The band is set up and ready to play in front of the ELDERLY PATIENTS. Bertha walks up to the mic.

BERTHA:
Hi! We’re HotPhlash. We were hot in the 80′s …but now we’re just hot all time!
Here is our new song WASTED YOUTH.

The band cranks into a punk song.

BERTHA:
(Singing)
Wasted Youth
What’s the use
Of trying to be young
When your already done
For the night
Can’t walk, can’t talk
Lost my money
Lost my last tooth
My wasted youth

TWO OLD LADY PATIENTS look at each other.

OLD LADY PATIENT #1:
I can’t hear them. I wish they’d turn it up.

OLD LADY PATIENT #2:
What’d ya say?

Old lady patient #2′s dentures then fall out and she puts them back in.

©  2010 Dorothy Caldwell and Paula Montondo

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SCENE 2 Episode 1 – Fast Times and Naked Midgets

27 Sep

(Continued from Scene 1 Episode 1)

INT. ZELDA‘S LIVING ROOM – Back to Present

CAROLYN:
Seriously, who is this Bozo?

IGNATIUS:
Girls, my name is Ignatius.

ZELDA:
Awwww, he called us girls.

Shithead looks down her pants to check as if to make sure she is a girl.

BERTHA:
Uhhh, yeah, notice that not only is he a clown but he is a drunk clown!

Spoofing the pool scene from FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH, the scene goes into slow motion and we hear sexy music as Ignatius rips off his clown suit, male stripper style, revealing a shirtless, totally ripped hot young man in jeans. He rips off his clown nose and neon green frizzy wig, shaking his beautiful golden locks loose with his chiseled jaw and straight white teeth. Stunned, the girls melt. Back to real time and the music halts: Zelda runs up to introduce herself.

ZELDA:
Hi, I’m Zelda Piewinkle. Drummer, Capricorn, vegetarian, pet psychic,
love long walks on the beach, my favorite band is Barry Manilow.

IGNATIUS:
Vegetarian? Nice to MEAT you.

Ignatius winks at Zelda. Bertha elbows Zelda out of the way.

BERTHA:
Bertha Tubbs, singer, guitarist, Leo. If it’s ever had a heart beat I’ll eat it.  My favorite
bands are rubber, latex or leather. Actually leather works best for me. Now, come sit on mama’s lap.

IGNATIUS:
Okee dokee, then. I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.

Shithead struggles out of the bean bag chair, lightly bumps Zelda and Bertha sending them flying across the room.

SHITHEAD:
My name is Shithead. I play bass and you’d fit right into my lunch box.

Carolyn walks between Ignatius and Shithead.

CAROLYN:
(cocky and unimpressed)
Carolyn. Light please.

Carolyn holds up a candy cigarette and Ignatius tries to light it. Bertha and Zelda stumble into the kitchen to make coffee. Bertha starts to cry.

BERTHA:
My head is killing me. I am too old for this. What are we doing? We’re playing gigs at
nursing homes, and a school for the deaf and then a birthday party with naked midgets and
now we are flirting with a clown half our age?

Zelda starts crying too and tries to comfort Bertha.

ZELDA:
No, you’re right we are too old to play at a the school for the deaf …
Hey, what’s wrong with flirting with a clown?

BERTHA:
Come on, we look fat in our fishnets and now my guitar is smashed.

ZELDA:
But you have to admit our gig at the nursing home was pretty fun. Only half
the audience died on us and the free Valiums were totally worth it.

©  2010 Paula Montondo and Dorothy Caldwell

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SCENE 1 Episode 1 – Drunks, Kids, Clowns and Psychos

20 Sep

FADE IN:

INT. ZELDA’S LIVING ROOM – MORNING

Zelda’s living room looks likes the aftermath of a college frat party. ZELDA and BERTHA are passed out on the couch laying in opposite directions, still in their rock-n-roll clothes. Zelda’s big toe is in Bertha’s mouth. CAROLYN is passed out on the kitchen floor. SHITHEAD is snoring, face up on a busted bean bag chair with a birthday party clown, IGNATIUS, asleep in her lap.  All of a sudden an ear-piercing alarm starts screeching. It jolts everyone up. Carolyn gets up and stumbles into the living room holding her head. Ignatius, the clown, rolls out of Shithead’s lap and looks around in panic.

IGNATIUS:

What in Bozo’s butt is that noise?

Carolyn’s house arrest ankle bracelet is going off and making a shrilling beeping noise along with a small flashing red light.

CAROLYN:

Oh, pffft. No biggie. My Psych Nurse went on a booze run. She’ll turn it off in a second.

The ankle bracelet stops beeping and flashing. Shithead looks up at Ignatius.

SHITHEAD:

Who is this clown?

Ignatius stumbles across the room and grabs a beer. Bertha and Zelda both are seeing double and look around the room at the mess.

BERTHA:

Oh God, who crushed my guitar and my guitar case? Did we get mugged? And who brought in the clowns?

ZELDA:

Oh, you see the clowns too?

IGNATIUS:

No honey, you weren’t mugged. You guys rocked that wild party yesterday. Man, the giraffes, everyone running around naked, then you gals smashed your instruments then the cops showed up. It was great!

CAROLYN:

How’d we get home?

IGNATIUS:

Well…

INT. ICE CREAM TRUCK – FLASHBACK

Ignatius loads the drunken band members of HotPhlash into his ice cream truck which has a sign on it that reads “MC Iggy the Clown, available for birthday parties, bachelorette parties and raves.” In the truck, we see Shithead eating all the ice cream and Carolyn’s Psych Nurse passed out on Carolyn’s lap while she sticks candy cigarettes up the nurse’s nose and in her ears. Zelda is crying and asking if she looks fat in her outfit. Bertha keeps ringing the ice cream truck bell and trying to spank Ignatius. The truck with Iggy and the band pull up to Zelda’s house.

©  2010 Dorothy Caldwell and Paula Montondo

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