ZELDA:
Margi-Mani-Pedi? (throws her hands up in disgust)
I don’t even want to know about your kinky sex games with your boy toys.
BERTHA:
Kinky sex games? Boy toys? All I wanted was to
save some money by having Bob do my nails and hair.
Margi-Mani-Pedi means getting a manicure
and pedicure while drinking Margaritas.
I don’t know what the big deal is.
ZELDA:
A Manicure? Is that what you guys were talking about?
BERTHA:
Yeah, what did you think?
ZELDA:
Oh, my gosh! I’m so sorry.
SHITHEAD:
I’m sorry too!
BERTHA:
Oh, I love you guys. I’m sorry!
Bertha, Zelda and Shithead do a group hug. The group hug opens to Carolyn to motion for her to join in.
BERTHA:
Excuse me? Was anyone even talking to you?
If you’re not careful, I’ll kick you out of this band!
SHITHEAD:
Hey I’ll leave before I put up with all this crap.
Why don’t you at least act my shoe size!
BERTHA:
Shoe size? That’s it I’ve had it!
You are out of here and I quit!
I don’t need this dung.
SHITHEAD:
Fine! I am out of here!
CAROLYN:
(chuckling)
Well, it looks like the dung just hit the ol’ A/C.
ZELDA:
Now, wait guys! Stop it.
Don’t you remember why we’re doing this in the first place?
We got this band back together so we could feel alive again, have fun again, do what we love the most,
play rock and roll together again.
EXT. SKY – DAY – FANTASY SEQUENCE
Patriotic music fades in. A sunny sky appears behind Zelda. Her hair starts to blow in the wind. She places her hand on her heart. A HotPhlash banner flag waves in the breeze behind her. She gazes up at the sky as she starts her speech.
ZELDA:
It’s the music, the rock and roll, our love for each other,
the band, we…are…one.
With HotPhlash, we are young again and strong
and we are fulfilling our vision,
like when we were young and could actually see better.
With HotPhlash we are being the rock stars that we,
in our souls, know that we are. They can’t take that away from us
as long as we are together.
We are HotPhlash!
EXT. BACK PARKING LOT OF BANANA HAMMOCK – DAY – BACK TO REALITY
The scene comes to a screeching halt (tire screech sound). The door out to the parking lot opens and Bertha leans out of it and hollers.
BERTHA:
Uh…Zelda?
Zelda is standing on top of a car in the parking lot with her hand on her heart and the other held to out to the sky. She stops and turns to look in Bertha’s direction.
Zelda is at her make-up mirror. Ereckteus, just off stage, all sweaty with a pair of large woman’s panties stuck to his back, sneaks up behind Zelda and covers her eyes.
BERTHA:
Sounds like you and the ol’ God of Morning Wood are gonna
speed up global warming with that methane producing dinner
you have planned. So, are things still rockin’ with you Ereckteus?
ZELDA:
You mean Wilbert. Well, things are still groovy!
EXT. VARIOUS SETTINGS – FANTASY SEQUENCE MONTAGE
Sitar meditation music plays. We see Zelda and Ereckteus crawling out of a dumpster carrying plastic bottles then kissing, then climbing up a mountain to meet the DALI LAMA, then Ereckteus handing a bouquet of broccoli to Zelda with a bow around it, as if they were flowers. They both take a bite out of it.
Carolyn is standing near the bar. She pulls out a pack of candy cigarettes, sticks one in her mouth and leans over to a DRUNK MAN at the bar.
CAROLYN:
Got a light, sugar nuts?
The drunk man fumbles for his lighter and tries unsuccessfully several times to light her candy cigarette. Meanwhile, TWO WOMEN FROM THE AUDIENCE approach Carolyn. She tries to ignore them.
WOMAN FROM THE AUDIENCE #1:
You guys are so great. Of all the menopausal,
all-female rock bands I’ve seen, you’re the best.
CAROLYN:
Yeah, I know.
WOMAN FROM THE AUDIENCE #2:
How’d you guys get started?
Carolyn bites off a piece of her candy cigarette and flicks the rest on the floor, stomps it out as if it was real.
Led Zepplin-esque music begins to play what sounds like their song KASHMIR mixed with crazy circus music.
INT. CONCERT STADIUM – NIGHT – FANTASY SEQUENCE
In slow motion we see a dreamy, foggy scene of Carolyn playing keyboards alone on a stage. OZZY OSBOURNE and ROBERT PLANT are the only ones in the audience and are throwing their underwear and roses at her, rushing the stage.
CAROLYN:
(V.O. during fantasy sequence)
Well, here’s how I got started. Ozzy Osbourne asked me
to headline for him after he saw me playing at the food court
in the Springfield Mall. Him and Robert Plant both are still
stalking me to this day and it’s just getting old.
You have no idea what it is liked to be worshiped
and stalked by those lunatics!
Carolyn spots Ozzy and Robert from the stage. Terrified, she frantically runs off. We see Ozzy and Robert climb onto the stage to chase Carolyn.
INT. BANANA HAMMOCK SHOW ROOM – BACK TO REALITY
Carolyn snatches a glass of whiskey off a WAITER’s tray, chugs it, then shoves the empty glass into the hand of woman from the audience #1.
CAROLYN:
And the black limousine with the license plate
six, six, six, that follows me everywhere, is probably
outside right now. Damn stalkers!
Carolyn turns away to check for her stalkers, turns back around and sees that the two women are gone. Behind Carolyn a new show starts on the stage which is set up with ancient Greet ruins. The male stripper, Ereckteus comes out in a toga.
M.C. OF BANANA HAMMOCK:
Now, let’s give a big round of applause for Ereckteus,
The God of Morning Wood!
Ereckteus pulls off his toga, revealing a banana leaf thong.
(Continued from Scene 12 or start at the beginning)
