ZELDA:
Margi-Mani-Pedi? (throws her hands up in disgust)
I don’t even want to know about your kinky sex games with your boy toys.
BERTHA:
Kinky sex games? Boy toys? All I wanted was to
save some money by having Bob do my nails and hair.
Margi-Mani-Pedi means getting a manicure
and pedicure while drinking Margaritas.
I don’t know what the big deal is.
ZELDA:
A Manicure? Is that what you guys were talking about?
BERTHA:
Yeah, what did you think?
ZELDA:
Oh, my gosh! I’m so sorry.
SHITHEAD:
I’m sorry too!
BERTHA:
Oh, I love you guys. I’m sorry!
Bertha, Zelda and Shithead do a group hug. The group hug opens to Carolyn to motion for her to join in.
Carolyn is standing near the bar. She pulls out a pack of candy cigarettes, sticks one in her mouth and leans over to a DRUNK MAN at the bar.
CAROLYN:
Got a light, sugar nuts?
The drunk man fumbles for his lighter and tries unsuccessfully several times to light her candy cigarette. Meanwhile, TWO WOMEN FROM THE AUDIENCE approach Carolyn. She tries to ignore them.
WOMAN FROM THE AUDIENCE #1:
You guys are so great. Of all the menopausal,
all-female rock bands I’ve seen, you’re the best.
CAROLYN:
Yeah, I know.
WOMAN FROM THE AUDIENCE #2:
How’d you guys get started?
Carolyn bites off a piece of her candy cigarette and flicks the rest on the floor, stomps it out as if it was real.
Led Zepplin-esque music begins to play what sounds like their song KASHMIR mixed with crazy circus music.
INT. CONCERT STADIUM – NIGHT – FANTASY SEQUENCE
In slow motion we see a dreamy, foggy scene of Carolyn playing keyboards alone on a stage. OZZY OSBOURNE and ROBERT PLANT are the only ones in the audience and are throwing their underwear and roses at her, rushing the stage.
CAROLYN:
(V.O. during fantasy sequence)
Well, here’s how I got started. Ozzy Osbourne asked me
to headline for him after he saw me playing at the food court
in the Springfield Mall. Him and Robert Plant both are still
stalking me to this day and it’s just getting old.
You have no idea what it is liked to be worshiped
and stalked by those lunatics!
Carolyn spots Ozzy and Robert from the stage. Terrified, she frantically runs off. We see Ozzy and Robert climb onto the stage to chase Carolyn.
INT. BANANA HAMMOCK SHOW ROOM – BACK TO REALITY
Carolyn snatches a glass of whiskey off a WAITER’s tray, chugs it, then shoves the empty glass into the hand of woman from the audience #1.
CAROLYN:
And the black limousine with the license plate
six, six, six, that follows me everywhere, is probably
outside right now. Damn stalkers!
Carolyn turns away to check for her stalkers, turns back around and sees that the two women are gone. Behind Carolyn a new show starts on the stage which is set up with ancient Greet ruins. The male stripper, Ereckteus comes out in a toga.
M.C. OF BANANA HAMMOCK:
Now, let’s give a big round of applause for Ereckteus,
The God of Morning Wood!
Ereckteus pulls off his toga, revealing a banana leaf thong.
M.C. OF BANANA HAMMOCK:
Good evening ladies and gentlemen.
Here’s what you have been waiting for
and dreaming of for a long, long, long, very long time.
Misterrrrr ANDY CONDAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
The stripper Andy Conda comes out on stage covered with snakes and his name in lights behind him that says “Andy Conda”. The CROWD goes wild.
INT. BANANA HAMMOCK DRESSING ROOM – MINUTES LATER
Andy enters the dressing room after his act, carrying his snakes. The band and Bertha are sitting at their mirrors.
ANDY CONDA:
Bertha, did you like my new act?
BERTHA:
Andy! You forgot to put my shoes under the mirror like I asked.
You put’m all the way on the other side of the dressing room.
I had to actually get up and go over there and get them in my bare feet.
You know how delicate my feet are!
BERTHA:
Stop, idiot. I already got them. Are you blind and deaf?
Can’t you see I have the shoes on my feet? I told you I got them.
And because of your incompetence,
I got something stuck in my delicate foot.
Bertha pulls off one shoe. Andy runs back to kiss her foot.
The CLUB’S M.C. is standing on stage with a mic in his hand.
M.C. OF BANANA HAMMOCK:
Ok ladies! Welcome to The Banana
Hammock! Are you in need of some potassium?
The AUDIENCE responds.
AUDIENCE:
YEAH!
M.C. OF BANANA HAMMOCK:
Or would you rather have some real cougar chow?!
The audience growls back.
M.C. OF BANANA HAMMOCK:
Ok, but first before we throw you ladies
the meat, let’s give you something sweet.
I want to introduce our new house band:
an all-female, rockin’, cougars in heat,
keepin’ the beat, top of their game
top of the food chain,a huge hit
in Bucksnort, Tennessee! Put your your
butt cheeks together for HotPhlash!
HotPhlash, sweaty with make-up running, comes out on stage in their 1980’s punk clothes. Bertha steps on a floor switch, turning on industrial fans, blowing their hair and clothes straight up. The band plays.
BERTHA:
(singing)
Cougar meat, Cougar meat
Give me something good to eat
Get on your knees baby and wash my feet
The camera spins around to show the DIRECTOR OF THE TV SHOW HOTPHLASH on set behind the scenes.
DIRECTOR OF THE TV SHOW HOTPHLASH:
Ok! Cut! Bertha your kilt is caught
in your pantyhose again!
We cut to the stage where HotPhlash is now standing with bagpipes, dressed in kilts. Bertha is facing Zelda with her kilt tucked in the back of her pantyhose, she has granny panties on. She tries to look at her butt.
BERTHA:
(to the director)
What?
EVERYONE ON SET turns, stops and looks at the director. The director has toilet paper on his shoe. The ASSISTANT elbows the director and points to the toilet paper.
INT. BERTHA’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Bertha’s husband, BUBBA, is sitting on the couch drinking a beer, Bertha’s daughter, PAINE, is laying on the floor playing the 1970’s video game PONG on the TV set. Bertha walks past hauling her guitar amp.
BERTHA:
Honey, you and Paine will have to make your
own dinner again tomorrow. HotPhlash has a gig
tomorrow night at The Banana Hammock.
BUBBA:
You know, I don’t know if I like you
playing at that there male stripper club
with all those naked men running around.
BERTHA:
Oh, honey they are almost all gay anyway.
Besides, you are my Pookie. Plus, I’ve invested
twenty years in your pension plan and I ain’t gonna give that up.
BUBBA:
Twenty? Is that all it’s been? Feels like forty.
(Continued from Scene 12 or start at the beginning)
