ZELDA:
Margi-Mani-Pedi? (throws her hands up in disgust)
I don’t even want to know about your kinky sex games with your boy toys.
BERTHA:
Kinky sex games? Boy toys? All I wanted was to
save some money by having Bob do my nails and hair.
Margi-Mani-Pedi means getting a manicure
and pedicure while drinking Margaritas.
I don’t know what the big deal is.
ZELDA:
A Manicure? Is that what you guys were talking about?
BERTHA:
Yeah, what did you think?
ZELDA:
Oh, my gosh! I’m so sorry.
SHITHEAD:
I’m sorry too!
BERTHA:
Oh, I love you guys. I’m sorry!
Bertha, Zelda and Shithead do a group hug. The group hug opens to Carolyn to motion for her to join in.
Zelda is at her make-up mirror. Ereckteus, just off stage, all sweaty with a pair of large woman’s panties stuck to his back, sneaks up behind Zelda and covers her eyes.
BERTHA:
Sounds like you and the ol’ God of Morning Wood are gonna
speed up global warming with that methane producing dinner
you have planned. So, are things still rockin’ with you Ereckteus?
ZELDA:
You mean Wilbert. Well, things are still groovy!
EXT. VARIOUS SETTINGS – FANTASY SEQUENCE MONTAGE
Sitar meditation music plays. We see Zelda and Ereckteus crawling out of a dumpster carrying plastic bottles then kissing, then climbing up a mountain to meet the DALI LAMA, then Ereckteus handing a bouquet of broccoli to Zelda with a bow around it, as if they were flowers. They both take a bite out of it.
Carolyn is standing near the bar. She pulls out a pack of candy cigarettes, sticks one in her mouth and leans over to a DRUNK MAN at the bar.
CAROLYN:
Got a light, sugar nuts?
The drunk man fumbles for his lighter and tries unsuccessfully several times to light her candy cigarette. Meanwhile, TWO WOMEN FROM THE AUDIENCE approach Carolyn. She tries to ignore them.
WOMAN FROM THE AUDIENCE #1:
You guys are so great. Of all the menopausal,
all-female rock bands I’ve seen, you’re the best.
CAROLYN:
Yeah, I know.
WOMAN FROM THE AUDIENCE #2:
How’d you guys get started?
Carolyn bites off a piece of her candy cigarette and flicks the rest on the floor, stomps it out as if it was real.
Led Zepplin-esque music begins to play what sounds like their song KASHMIR mixed with crazy circus music.
INT. CONCERT STADIUM – NIGHT – FANTASY SEQUENCE
In slow motion we see a dreamy, foggy scene of Carolyn playing keyboards alone on a stage. OZZY OSBOURNE and ROBERT PLANT are the only ones in the audience and are throwing their underwear and roses at her, rushing the stage.
CAROLYN:
(V.O. during fantasy sequence)
Well, here’s how I got started. Ozzy Osbourne asked me
to headline for him after he saw me playing at the food court
in the Springfield Mall. Him and Robert Plant both are still
stalking me to this day and it’s just getting old.
You have no idea what it is liked to be worshiped
and stalked by those lunatics!
Carolyn spots Ozzy and Robert from the stage. Terrified, she frantically runs off. We see Ozzy and Robert climb onto the stage to chase Carolyn.
INT. BANANA HAMMOCK SHOW ROOM – BACK TO REALITY
Carolyn snatches a glass of whiskey off a WAITER’s tray, chugs it, then shoves the empty glass into the hand of woman from the audience #1.
CAROLYN:
And the black limousine with the license plate
six, six, six, that follows me everywhere, is probably
outside right now. Damn stalkers!
Carolyn turns away to check for her stalkers, turns back around and sees that the two women are gone. Behind Carolyn a new show starts on the stage which is set up with ancient Greet ruins. The male stripper, Ereckteus comes out in a toga.
M.C. OF BANANA HAMMOCK:
Now, let’s give a big round of applause for Ereckteus,
The God of Morning Wood!
Ereckteus pulls off his toga, revealing a banana leaf thong.
M.C. OF BANANA HAMMOCK:
Good evening ladies and gentlemen.
Here’s what you have been waiting for
and dreaming of for a long, long, long, very long time.
Misterrrrr ANDY CONDAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
The stripper Andy Conda comes out on stage covered with snakes and his name in lights behind him that says “Andy Conda”. The CROWD goes wild.
INT. BANANA HAMMOCK DRESSING ROOM – MINUTES LATER
Andy enters the dressing room after his act, carrying his snakes. The band and Bertha are sitting at their mirrors.
ANDY CONDA:
Bertha, did you like my new act?
BERTHA:
Andy! You forgot to put my shoes under the mirror like I asked.
You put’m all the way on the other side of the dressing room.
I had to actually get up and go over there and get them in my bare feet.
You know how delicate my feet are!
BERTHA:
Stop, idiot. I already got them. Are you blind and deaf?
Can’t you see I have the shoes on my feet? I told you I got them.
And because of your incompetence,
I got something stuck in my delicate foot.
Bertha pulls off one shoe. Andy runs back to kiss her foot.
The CLUB’S M.C. is standing on stage with a mic in his hand.
M.C. OF BANANA HAMMOCK:
Ok ladies! Welcome to The Banana
Hammock! Are you in need of some potassium?
The AUDIENCE responds.
AUDIENCE:
YEAH!
M.C. OF BANANA HAMMOCK:
Or would you rather have some real cougar chow?!
The audience growls back.
M.C. OF BANANA HAMMOCK:
Ok, but first before we throw you ladies
the meat, let’s give you something sweet.
I want to introduce our new house band:
an all-female, rockin’, cougars in heat,
keepin’ the beat, top of their game
top of the food chain,a huge hit
in Bucksnort, Tennessee! Put your your
butt cheeks together for HotPhlash!
HotPhlash, sweaty with make-up running, comes out on stage in their 1980’s punk clothes. Bertha steps on a floor switch, turning on industrial fans, blowing their hair and clothes straight up. The band plays.
BERTHA:
(singing)
Cougar meat, Cougar meat
Give me something good to eat
Get on your knees baby and wash my feet
The camera spins around to show the DIRECTOR OF THE TV SHOW HOTPHLASH on set behind the scenes.
DIRECTOR OF THE TV SHOW HOTPHLASH:
Ok! Cut! Bertha your kilt is caught
in your pantyhose again!
We cut to the stage where HotPhlash is now standing with bagpipes, dressed in kilts. Bertha is facing Zelda with her kilt tucked in the back of her pantyhose, she has granny panties on. She tries to look at her butt.
BERTHA:
(to the director)
What?
EVERYONE ON SET turns, stops and looks at the director. The director has toilet paper on his shoe. The ASSISTANT elbows the director and points to the toilet paper.
INT. BERTHA’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Bertha’s husband, BUBBA, is sitting on the couch drinking a beer, Bertha’s daughter, PAINE, is laying on the floor playing the 1970’s video game PONG on the TV set. Bertha walks past hauling her guitar amp.
BERTHA:
Honey, you and Paine will have to make your
own dinner again tomorrow. HotPhlash has a gig
tomorrow night at The Banana Hammock.
BUBBA:
You know, I don’t know if I like you
playing at that there male stripper club
with all those naked men running around.
BERTHA:
Oh, honey they are almost all gay anyway.
Besides, you are my Pookie. Plus, I’ve invested
twenty years in your pension plan and I ain’t gonna give that up.
BUBBA:
Twenty? Is that all it’s been? Feels like forty.
That evening before the club opens, HotPhlash and Ignatius enter the backstage dressing room. A GROUP OF MALE STRIPPERS, just coming into work, parade in past them.
IGNATIUS:
Guys, this is the band HotPhlash I told you about. They are hot and ready…moody and sweaty.
STRAIGHT MALE STRIPPER #1:
(sarcastically)
Moody, ready, hot and sweaty? You’ll fit right in.
Gay male Stripper #1:
Oh, hi girls. Love the hair! (under his breath and rolling his eyes) Soooo 80′s, so Twisted Sister….
ERECKTEUS, a male stripper and a CHINESE, TRANSVESTITE MALE STRIPPER walks by.
GAY MALE STRIPPER #2:
Mmmmm…Oh here comes Ereckteus, the God of Morning Wood.
BERTHA:
Mmmmm, knock on wood.
CHINESE TRANSVESTITE MALE STRIPPER:
Chow!
A CHOW DOG jumps up into the Chinese transvestite stripper’s arms.
INT. BANANA HAMMOCK SHOW ROOM – LATER THAT EVENING
The place is packed with MIDDLE AGED WOMAN and a FEW GAY MEN. On stage are STRIPPERS DRESSED AS PRIESTS. WOMEN from the audience line up, kneel and take communion.
INT. BANANA HAMMOCK DRESSING ROOM – EVEN MORE LATERER THAT EVENING
The band and the strippers are getting ready for their shows. Bertha stands up. ANDY CONDA, a male stripper dressed as the Pope in a thong, runs into her, knocking her to the floor.
BERTHA:
Watch where you’re going, you idiot!
ANDY CONDA:
(leaning over to help her up)
Lord, I’m Sorry. Please forgive me!
Bertha, at five foot tall, stands up and is breast-high to the six foot nine inch man.
BERTHA:
Forgive you? To hell with you! Now I have to go change my diaper again!
Bertha storms off and Andy sheepishly follows.
ANDY CONDA:
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me!
BERTHA:
Will you shut up and quit following me! You King-Kong, thong wearing, brainless, bad excuse for a Pope-stripper, I’ve ever seen. If your brain was as big as your feet you’d know not to talk to me.
Bertha and Andy disappear into the back of the dressing room. Shithead winks at and snaps the thong of a passing STRIPPER. Ereckteus walks up to Zelda putting his hand on her shoulder.
ERECKTEUS:
Are you girls almost ready to rock this banana farm? You’re on soon. Oh yum. What are you eating?
ZELDA:
It’s my cactus, sprout and Taiwanese nut wrap. It’s part of my cleansing to align my chakras.
ERECKTEUS:
Wow, I love cactus. I use cayenne pepper and honey for my cleansing. You kind of just made my bean sprout. Maybe later you can align my chakras.
ZELDA:
(clueless)
Oooh, I love bean sprouts especially with cumin all over them. Wow, love your thong.
ERECKTEUS:
Thanks! It’s edible hemp.
ZELDA:
Maybe later we could chop it up and put it in my special brownie mix.
Bertha storms back into the dressing room, fanning herself with Andy Conda’s Pope Hat.
BERTHA:
I am burning up in here! Can someone turn up the air conditioning! I’m having a major hot flash!
STRAIGHT MALE STRIPPER #2 pacing back and forth, rubbing his hands and arms.
STRAIGHT MALE Stripper #2:
It’s already as cold as a meat locker in here!
GAY MALE STRIPPER #3 is wearing a blanket and shivering.
GAY MALE STRIPPER #3:
Tell me! Not so good for the inventory. Major shrinkage.
Shithead rubs an ice cube on her neck.
SHITHEAD:
Oh, I don’t know. The meat hanging in this locker is pretty darn hot.
ZELDA:
But, I heard it is important to keep your meat frozen if you’re not going to eat it right away.
Carolyn begins to cry and unbuttons her sweat-soaked shirt.
STRAIGHT MALE STRIPPER #1:
Nothing like sharing a dressing room full of menopausal women.
Now Zelda is standing in the pan of ice water with just her bra and panties on, spatula still in her hair, and Bertha is at the table with a fan in front of her and is patting her underarms with the dirty wet dish sponge.
Carolyn walks into the kitchen with a snotty attitude and throws her candy cigarette on the floor stomping it out with her foot. We hear it crunch.
CAROLYN:
Well, you guys would be nowhere right now if it weren’t for me. I was the one who got us the gig at the six year old’s birthday party, and it was my shock therapy doctor at Leus Scroughs Hospital that was impressed with my talents at our rehearsal there last week, and needed a band for her son’s party.
INT. LEUS SCROUGHS MENTAL HOSPITAL – FLASHBACK
HotPhlash is set up in a large room. Zelda, Bertha and Shithead are at their instruments tuning up while SEVERAL MENTAL PATIENTS dance to the tuning in front of the band. Carolyn comes shuffling into the room in a hospital gown, heads to her keyboards carrying her urine sample like a drink (pinky held out)and smoking a candy cigarette. She starts to sip. A FEMALE LEUS SCROUGHS DOCTOR runs up and stops her.
FEMALE LEUS SCROUGHS DOCTOR:
Now, Carolyn, you need to stop drinking your urine samples.
CAROLYN:
I was wondering why my Lemon Martini was so warm. Is happy hour over?
EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD – FLASHBACK CONTINUED
HotPhlash is playing their loud punk music at a six year old’s birthday party. Ignatius, the birthday clown, is dancing in front of the band as horrified PARENTS drag their KIDS away. The female Leus Scroughs doctor, who is the birthday boy’s mom, is holding her ears and trying to stop everyone from running away.
BERTHA:
(singing)
I ran out of milk
Ooooh I got got powdered eggs
My head is hot
My emotions are fried
No more kids
No more Toys R Us
When you’re left with a dried up Ut-er-us
The Sahara is wetter than me
I’m feeling so hot
I’m so dried out
I tripped over my tits
Slipped on the sweat from my pits
And I just (pause) forgot (pause) What I was (pause) singing about
The song ends. The drunk band members smash their instruments. Now the yard is empty except for the dancing clown and the birthday boy’s pissed off mom calling 911.
INT. ZELDA’S KITCHEN – BACK TO PRESENT
Bertha and Zelda are now sitting in front of the open refrigerator door fanning themselves with frozen pizzas and eating from the fridge. Shithead comes into the kitchen.
ZELDA:
I don’t remember much after that.
BERTHA:
Seriously, we are too old for all of this. We suck and the gigs suck!
Bertha starts crying again.
SHITHEAD:
Oh, come on you guys I think we’re great. This band is the best thing that has happened to me. I am a bigger person because of it.
ZELDA:
(innocently)
No, you’re right Shithead, you really have grown since you joined us. You are a much bigger person than all of us…put together.
Ignatius walks into the kitchen.
IGNATIUS:
Now, look girls, I’ve got the perfect gig for you. I’m the DJ at a male strip club called The Banana Hammock, and we are looking for a house band. I think HotPhlash would be perfect!
SHITHEAD:
The Banana Hammock? I go every Tuesday for their 3 for 1 Banana Split Martinis! I can suck’em down faster than they can serve’em.
ZELDA:
Bertha, The Banana Hammock sounds promising. Maybe we should give this another try.
Bertha is now standing with her face all the way in the freezer trying to cool off.
BERTHA:
Alright, whatever, but just one more try.
Zelda and Shithead clap excitedly and hug each other. Carolyn rolls her eyes.
IGNATIUS:
Great. Consider the banana in the hammock!
(Continued from Scene 12 or start at the beginning)
